Category Archives: Conversations With Stuff
Conversations With Stuff: More Willpower
I and my family are trying to go low carb. I have been told the first week is the hardest. It is Day 3. The internal battle is tiring:
Willpower: Have a salad.
Instinct: WITH BREAD!
Willpower: Shut-up, instinct, we’re doing this and we’re doing it right.
Instinct: …This is actually good!
Willpower: See, it’s not so bad–
Instinct: But I’m still hungry! BREAD TIME!
Willpower: maybe you can have yogurt later!
Instinct: I WANTS BREAD!
Willpower: For the last time—
Instinct: THIS BREAD TASTES AWFUL!
Willpower: That’s your hand.
Willpower: Which oddly enough would be a no carb meal…
Instinct: SEE?! NO CARBS KILL!
Willpower: Eat the damn salad!
Conversations with Stuff: Governments
Sigh…my day job can be arduous at times:
Government: Hey! We have a new system for invoicing!
Me: That’s great…but isn’t it us who designs our own invoices to send you—
Government: YOUR INVOICES CONFUSE US! DO IT OUR WAY!
Me: Okay…sure…what do I need to do!
Government: Fill out this form! And send us a timesheet!
Me: Seems easy enough. Here is the form. And the timesheet.
Government: WHERE’S YOUR APPROVAL E-MAIL?!
Me: You didn’t say anything about an approval e-mail…
Government: WE CAN’T LOOK AT IT WITHOUT AN APPROVAL E-MAIL! NO APPROVAL FOR YOU!
Me: Okay, fine! Here’s the approval e-mail.
Government: GAH! WHY ARE YOU SENDING EVERYTHING TO US SEPARATELY?!
Me: Because you keep asking for new things after I send the old ones!
Government: IT CONFUSES US SO! WAAAAAAAAAH!
Me: Sorry? Next time I…will send all the things at once? Now that I know?
Government: you had better.
Me: So when can we expect to get paid?
Government: Soon. With a 2% discount.
Me: Wait, what? You mean YOU get a 2% discount?
Government: yes, for paying early.
Me: Since when?
Government: Since we gave you new terms.
Me: wait, you’re our customer, don’t WE dictate the terms?
Government: WAAAAAAAH! NO APPROVAL FOR YOU!
Me: ….You guys are teenagers, aren’t you? You have to be to be this entitled.
Conversations with Stuff: Quickbooks
This is a battle I have every day. To be fair, it might just be our server that’s slow and not poor, simple minded Quickbooks (the accounting software I use) but nonetheless, this is the five minutes I have to deal with most days:
Manda: Crap…I typed in the wrong password. Hey, Quickbooks!
QB: Hang on!
Manda: I typed in the wrong—
QB: HANG ON! I’M THINKING!
Manda: No, that’s just it, you don’t need to, I know what’s wrong—
QB: Why can’t I log in?!
QB: I have to think about this!
QB:……YOU TYPED IN THE WRONG PASSWORD!
Manda: Yes, I—
QB: IS CAPS LOCK ON?!
Manda:…I loathe you.
Conversations With Stuff: Hold Music
Me: Hey Hold Music?
Hold Music: HELLO! SO GOOD TO SEE YOU! Bah bah bah bah…
Me: Yeah…um…you said that ten minutes ago.
Hold Music: Did I? How time flies! Bah bah bah bah
Me: Right…I was just wondering, Hold Music…
Hold Music: How I stay this chipper?
Me: You stay that chipper by staying on a loop. No, what I was actually wondering was if maybe…you could…I don’t know…change it up?
Hold Music: Change? Why change? I am the most perfect music in the world! Bah bah bah baaaah
Me: See, I’m wondering what terrible parent encouraged that.
Hold Music: Music is provided by Mr. Dude! Bah bah bah baaaaaaaah
Me: For serious? You actually gave a name of who provides this? You do realize that I will hunt down this man.
Hold Music: Hunt him down and hug him for his contributions to art?! Bah BAH BBAAAAAAH BAH
Me: Or tear his throat out so he may never make suggestions again! Look, if I have to spend another hour listening to you, could we at least have more than one song?…Hold Music?
Hold Music: HELLO! SO GOOD TO SEE YOU! Bah bah bah bah…
Me: I am in hell.
Conversations With Stuff: Coffee Cup
Coffee Cup: There’s a crack in my lid!
Me: Oh noes! Well it’s a good thing I spotted it! I certainly won’t take a sip.
Coffee Cup: You sure?
Me: Of course!
Coffee Cup: You’ll forget.
Me: What? No I won’t!
Coffee Cup: Yes you will.
Me: Why on earth would I forget something that could potentially scald me?!
Coffee Cup: It’s a three minute walk to the office. A lot can happen in three minutes.
Me: You know nothing, coffee cup. You are a coffee cup, and therefore incapable of sound logic.
Coffee Cup: Well, that’s just—
Me: Can’t talk! Thinking about a funny goat video! Ohhhh, that goat—(takes sip) OH GOD OWWWW IT’S IN MY SHIRT!
Coffee Cup: If I had the ability to look smug I would.
Conversations With Stuff: Stress Dreams
Stress Dreams: Hey there Manda!
Me: Hey there Stress Dreams. Look, I know you love torturing my psyche, but maybe you could give it a rest for tonight? I really do need to sleep.
Stress Dreams: That’s okay! I’ve changed my ways! Look, it’s a dream about getting a new, awesomely paid job that you enjoy!
Stress Dreams: Look how awesome the office is!
Me: So many windows!
Stress Dreams: And you make 15k more than you do now!
Me: I CAN BUY A PS4!
Stress Dreams: Seems pretty amazing and real, doesn’t it?
Me: It really does! I feel great!
Stress Dreams: Now wake up.
Me: What do you….STRESS DREAMS!
Stress Dreams: PA HAHAHAHAH, ENJOY COLD HARD REALITY, LOSER!
Me: Not cool, Stress Dreams.
Stress Dreams: You’re right. Fall back asleep.
Me:…Okay…hey, I still have the dream job. That’s not so bad.
Stress Dreams: Except now you have to tell your current boss that you’re GIVING TWO WEEKS NOTICE AFTER EIGHT YEARS OF EMPLOYMENT!
Me: AHHHH! CONFRONTATIONS!
Stress Dreams: MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: I’m gonna wake up!
Stress Dreams: I WON’T LET YOU!
Me: I HATE YOUUUU!
Conversations with Stuff: Scripts
Part of me knows that feeling like your work is crap and pushing through is all part of the creative process. But most of me still felt frustrated this past weekend.
Script: hey, Manda!
Me: Go away!
Script: I still suck!
Me: I’m doing laundry!
Script: I’m not feeling too great. I’ve got a terrible case of the First Drafts.
Me: I have to make dinner.
Script: You’ve gotta work on me eventually!
Me: I did! For four hours!
Script: Really? I still feel like I suck.
Me: I made changes.
Script: I could use some more character development though.
Me: I’m ignoring you.
Script: And maybe some better flow. You’ve basically patched me together. I’m like the Frankenstein of scripts right now.
Script: What are you doing?
Me: Watching new Gravity Falls episodes.
Script: This is awesome! It’s a much better script than me.
Me: Can’t you minimize?!
Script: NOT UNTIL YOU ACCEPT YOUR POTENTIAL CRAPPINESS AND WRITE! I NEED TO FEEL PRETTY!
Conversations With Stuff: Nerves Part 2
Brain: Hey there, nerves, hey stomach!
Nerves: Hallo brain! What a beautiful day!
Brain: Wow, you’re in a good mood!
Nerves: Why yes, yes we are, why wouldn’t we be?
Brain: Well, I just assumed because—
Stomach: No, don’t!
Brain: –the script reading is tonight.
Stomach: Crap’s sake.
Nerves: …Script reading?
Brain: yeah, remember? Sidekicks? The play version? Everyone is going to be there, other actors are going to be reading it, you’ll get feedback…
Nerves:….OH MY GOD WE DIDN’T PREPARE FOR THIS! WHAT WILL WE DO?! THEY WILL SHUN US! OR PRAISE US! WHAT DO WE DO WITH PRAISE?! HOW DO WE REACT?! WHAT IF THEY HATE ALL THE PARTS WE WROTE?!
Stomach:…Now I’ll never get to eat. Thanks. I thought you were supposed to be smart…
Conversations With Stuff: The Fly
Manda: Alright, time to sit down, relax and get some work done.
Manda: What the—
Manda: How did you get in?
Fly: hhhhhhHHHHIIIIiiiiii HI!
Manda: Fine, just stay out of my way and let me concentrate–
Manda: That is the opposite of letting me concentrate.
Manda: (gets out fly swatter)
Fly: LIVING ROOM!
Manda:…that’s better (goes back to typing)
Fly: Wantthescreen (bump) Wantthescreen (bump) Wantthescreen (bump) Wantthescreen
Manda: THAT’S it! (grabs fly swatter again) You are now my prey.
Fly: Escape ESCAPE ESCAPE ESSSCAAAAPE!
Manda: (flailing wildly) you have to land sometime.
Manda: Do you think that will stop me?!
Manda: You aren’t nearly as fun as Glados.
Conversations with Stuff: Pants
Manda: I can’t hear you!
Pants: You have to put me on, Manda.
Manda: No, I don’t!
Pants: Look, I know you’re not my biggest fan.
Manda: Got that right!