My webseries Sidekicks is happening! I’ve decided to dedicate some blog posts chronicling the filming process. I have another, far more fun post after this one :D. But this one needed to get off my chest:

This weekend we finally begin filming for Sidekicks, a webseries that I began to work on a year and a half ago after NaNoMusical ended.

I am somewhat terrified at the prospect.

Oh, this is not a new thing for me, obviously. If you read this blog, you will know that I am terrified for many of my waking hours.

Yup…

This time, though, it’s something that has me especially full of dread and forboding.

I will be playing Flex Girl, a part that I wrote for myself. She is new to the superhero world, eager, and ready to take anybody down. When I envisioned her, I knew that I would have to shape up if I wanted to play this role. I would have to get exercise more, lose some weight, tone up.

The best laid plans always fall to the sidelines. I got sick with an extremely bad cold. I got busy with writing, and that is an activity that doesn’t exactly result in well defined muscles. And then I decided to move, and much of my time was spent packing things into boxes.

Gosh I wish I had one of these to move in

In other words…not much progress was made. Not for lack of trying. I did the Jillian Michaels videos (something I’d like to do again), which helped a bit. I’ve started up jogging again.

But my body has remained stubbornly chubby and it doesn’t help that I have a day job that requires me to sit on my ass 8 hours a day.

That, and I love pie. So much.

So much.

Sometimes I could feel progress being made, but at 30 years of age even two days of inactivity seems to negate two weeks of work. Oh, I am HEALTHIER, which is incredibly nice. I can do push-ups now. I can jog for 5k without dying. But in terms of getting ready to film? I am uncastable in the entertainment industry (unless they are looking for a before picture…and yes, I actually auditioned for one of those).

Seriously…

I considered calling the entire thing off. Or recasting it. It seemed the only way to escape shame.

But then I was reading the script again…and it occurred to me that the Flex Girl I wrote was having difficulty living up to society’s expectations of what a superhero sidekick should be like.

So why not include weight and body shape into those expectations?

And so I am going to be performing the role as my chubby self. Part of me is proud of myself for breaking the mold of skinny, perfect looking super heroines that appear in the movies. Most of me is still terrified.

More than this scene in Silent Hill 3…which is saying SOMETHING

I discussed this with my director and friend, Lyf. He talked much about body shape, about how unrealistic our movie superheroes are, about how this is actually the more natural route. And he’s right.

But I’m still scared. Because while it is forgiveable for a man to be chubby in this sort of role, in a woman it seems far more unseemly. Trust me, I have worked and auditioned in the entertainment industry. I have been rejected and scrutinized for both being too fat and not being fat enough. I know. And this is the internet, which can be both incredibly supportive and incredibly cruel all at the same time.

It is unlikely that many will watch the webseries. But there’s always a chance that they will and with internet attention inevitably will come the comments. And I will have to prepare myself for the possibility of those because that is simply the way the world works at the moment.

And because the world works that way, because I don’t consider myself worthy of screentime if I am over 130 lbs, because I feel that terror so acutely, I know that probably means I should go through with it. Because the world should not work that way.

So I am scared. But I am also excited. And I know that if I simply let my confidence take over I will be fine.

I just have to channel my inner Mabel!